Major Carter Gets Pregnant
by EmmyH
Summary: Title really says it all. Sort of a satire of all the pregnancy!fics out there. Humor. Enjoy, and please review!


Major Carter, USAF, pride and joy of the United States Military, stopped for the third time to throw up.

"Yuck!" Teal'c thought, but said nothing aloud, instead offering her a canteen (his last; she'd already used up his other two) to rinse her mouth out.

"Thanks, Teal'c," she said, her voice raspy. "You're such a good friend."

Teal'c managed to avoid gagging, and, keeping his lips tightly clamped, nodded expressively.

"Sam! Sam, are you alright?" Daniel ran up to her. "You've thrown up three times today! I think that's a record on a mission…well, except for the time I ate that cactus that looks like what Peyote comes from on Earth. You remember? I threw up sixteen times in half an hour, then flatlined. Jack had to give me CPR, and then Janet pumped my stomach." He chuckled. "So, you see, three times isn't so bad after all. It's probably just those moldy MREs that were supposed to be eaten two years ago according to the sell-by date."

_Indeed,_ Teal'c thought. It was a thought he thought a lot.

The only thing missing, he continued to think, was Colonel O'Neill being all sappy with Major Carter; but just then Colonel O'Neill's voice came, crackly and concerned, over the radio, and it wasn't a thing that was missing anymore.

"Major Carter? Are you alright? Teal'c and Daniel aren't giving you trouble, are they?" It was code for _I want hot monkey sex,_ but Teal'c didn't know that.

"Not right now, sir," Major Carter gasped into her radio, which meant, _Not right now, sir_. What it meant at the moment was _I've been vomiting, and it's your fault, you monster._ Major Carter was never good at the being-sick thing.

"She's _sick,_ Jack!" Daniel said, managing somehow to make it sound as exciting as when he proposed this mission: _There're **writings**, Jack!_ Daniel continued: "She's thrown up three times. But don't worry, it wasn't as bad as the time I threw up sixteen times in half an hour and then you had to give me CPR and Janet pumped my stomach." He was proud of that incident: it showed he was mortal. Usually he spontaneously got better due to alien causes, or glowed into another plane of existence before actually dying.

Colonel O'Neill heaved a large sigh that sounded like, "Damn, not again," but _meant_, 'But I really wanted sex.' "Okay," he says. "Carter, can you make it to the gate?"

Despite having sex with Major Carter on a regular basis (she was his wife, after all), and despite her name actually being Major O'Neill now, he still called her Major Carter. Everyone else did too: it avoided confusion. Major Carter had asked Colonel O'Neill if he could just call her _Sam_, but he said that was completely inappropriate, considering he was her commanding officer.

"I think so, Sir," Carter said, finally managing to avoid the writer's long irrelevant tangent. "Where are you?"

"Oh," said Colonel O'Neill, "I'm waiting in this copse of trees near the Stargate because the author didn't see fit to include me at the beginning. No biggie. What's your ETA?"

"Five minutes, Sir," Carter said, because ETA, in the military, meant _E_stimated _T_ime of _A_rrival.

"Okay, see you then," O'Neill said. "O'Neill out."

Daniel started to chatter. "You know, acronyms are very interesting. Not only are they widespread in the military, but also in pretty much everything. Triple-A, ABC, NBC, SCUBA gear… The acronym ETA can mean several things besides 'Estimated time of arrival.' It also means Emergency Tire Assistance, and European Thyroid Association, and Experimental Test Accelerator, and—this is my favorite—Extraterrestrial Activity. Now, these—"

Teal'c tuned out. These Tau'ri, he decided, were very boring people at times.

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"Well, what is it?" Colonel O'Neill asked the doctor. "Is my Cartie-kins going to be okay?"

Dr. Frasier nodded. "Yes," she said, and started beaming. "In fact, it's very good news. Major Carter is three months into pregnancy. That nausea was probably morning sickness."

Colonel O'Neill gave a huge gasp, which frightened Teal'c and caused him to take a step backwards. Smiling with more tooth than Teal'c had thought possible, O'Neill said, "That's _wonderful_ news!"

"But it's not morning!" Carter said. "How can it be morning sickness if it's not morning?"

"It works out like that sometimes," Dr. Frasier said dismissively. "Some women get debilitating nausea in the morning, and some get it all the time. No big deal."

"How is she three months pregnant when Jack and Sam have only been married for one month?"

"We were also both virgins before last night," O'Neill said, gazing soulfully into Carter's eyes. He imagined he could see the smartness leaking out of her eyes.

Teal'c frowned. "I do not believe that is possible, O'Neill," he said.

"Well, you know," O'Neill said.

"No, I do not."

"Teal'c," Carter said, "Colonel O'Neill means we were virgins—to _each other._" She gazed soulfully into O'Neill's eyes, imagining she could see the sarcasm leaking out of his eyes.

Daniel frowned. "Does that even make sense?" he asked.

"No, it does not, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c replied, perplexed.

"Oh, fer cryin' out loud!" O'Neill said. "Last night was the first time we had sex, okay? Actually this morning. Around 0500."

"How, then," Teal'c asked reasonably, "is Major Carter in her third month of pregnancy?"

Dr. Frasier frowned. "Well…" she said, frowning, and then smiled suddenly. "It must be the protein marker," she said happily. "That explains it. It's done all sorts of cool, weird stuff to your body; why not this?"

"But that means that in a day I'm gonna be a mommy!"

"Oh, goody!" O'Neill said, "shopping! I love shopping for yellow stuff."

"'Yellow stuff?'" Teal'c asked.

"Yeah, that's the traditional color for when you don't know what sex the baby's gonna be."

"Well, if the pregnancy continues, I could find out in several hours," Dr. Frasier said.

"NO!" said the happy couple, who had been cooing at each other. Carter continued. "We want it to be a surprise," she said. "We'll buy yellow stuff. I like yellow best anyway."

"What will you name him or her?" Teal'c asked.

O'Neill and Carter looked at each other, and then back at Teal'c. "We'll think of something," O'Neill said.

Daniel smiled. "Jack, want to go shopping with me to get the stuff?"

"Yes!" O'Neill said. "Nothing like baby clothes for male bonding."

Dr. Frasier blinked, frowned, and turned away. "I _so_ did not need to know that," she said.

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Clothes were bought, and a crib very hastily assembled. Names were chosen out—although O'Neill and Carter refused to tell anyone what they were. Carter's stomach ballooned out. The rest of the day passed, and then the night, and Major Carter was in her final day of pregnancy.

That passed quickly, too, mostly because the writer didn't know how to correctly explain a day-and-a-half-long pregnancy. In fact, the writer didn't know how to explain a pregnancy, period. Suffice it to say that it was much like other pregnancies, only much, much, much, much faster.

"Oh, my goodness," Sam said at 1700, "I think I'm going into labor!"

And indeed she was. It took just over ten minutes for the baby to come out, and then the baby was put, squalling and slightly bloody—Dr. Frasier had cleaned up most of the blood—into Major Carter's arms.

"It's a girl!" Carter announced happily.

"What is her name?" Teal'c asked stoically. He hadn't been sure he wanted to be around during the birth, but everyone had insisted. At least he wasn't like Daniel, who had fainted after two minutes of watching.

"Well," O'Neill said, "if it was a boy, it was going to be called Samuel Teal'c Daniel Jackin John George Carter-O'Neill."

"_But,_" Carter said, "if it was a girl—which it is—um…anyway, her name is Jacquie Samanthette Teal'c'o'rama Danielina Janetta Georgia Carter-O'Neill."

"I came up with Teal'c'o'rama," O'Neill said proudly. "There are _three_ apostrophes in that."

"That is a very nice name, O'Neill," said Teal'c. It wasn't, but what could you say to a name like that?

The baby started squalling, and everyone except Teal'c and Daniel started to attend to the baby. Daniel remained unconscious, and Teal'c escaped to his quarters, where he laughed. It was almost as funny as the Setesh joke.


End file.
